Recently, while on a trip to my local grocery store, I noticed that there was bread in the frozen section called Ezekiel 4:9. Ezekiel 4:9 is produced by the Food for Life company and is a sprouted bread. What this means is that the bread is made from whole grains that have been allowed to germinate.
The bread is popular with all natural health food types along with religious types. Ezekiel 4:9 sprouted bread is made from wheat, barley, millet, lentils, soybeans and spelt. The recipe originates in the bible verse that the bread is named for wherein it says that God told the prophet Ezekiel to “take also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils and millet, and spelt and put them in one vessel and make bread for yourself…”
Best Thing Since Sliced Bread?
The question that this begs is: Why is God giving out recipes for bread? Was he displeased with the bread that the Israelites were eating? Was he somehow an early proponent of carb cycling diets? A brief look into the larger context surrounding Ezekiel 4:9 reveals a startling back-story.
See Ezekiel is a prophet and claims to have had a little chat with God and four cherubim. He says that in their talks God revealed that he was upset with the Israelites and gives Ezekiel visions regarding the the destruction of Jerusalem in the near future. In order to get his point across God wanted him to reenact the sacking of Jerusalem while suffering the way the Israelites would suffer when they were tossed out into the world as a way to take their sins upon himself and atone for them.
The method of this punishment and warning was very specific. God didn’t like to leave things to chance after the earlier incidents with Adam and Even, Lot and his daughters, Onan and the mess with Judah and Tamar.
So god tells Ezekiel to “4:1 take a block of clay, put in in front of you and draw the city of Jerusalem on it. 4:2 Then lay siege to it: Erect siege works against it, build a ramp up to it, set up camps against it and put battering rams around it.”
It goes to eleven
So God wanted Ezekiel to make a clay model of Jerusalem and an entire siege works to show the Israelites, in an early iteration of Warcraft, what was going to happen to Jerusalem. God goes on to tell Ezekiel to “taken an iron pan, place it as an iron wall between you and the city and turn your face toward it. It will be under siege, and you shall besiege it. This will be a sign to the people of Israel. 4:3.” Exactly what this sign would be seem pretty open to interpretation.
God then goes on to be even more specific and, frankly, random. He tells Ezekiel to “lie on your left side and put the sin of the people of Israel upon yourself 4:4” and tells him “I have assigned you the same number of days as the year of their sin. So for 390 days you will bear the sin of the people of Israel.” Ok, so while the lying on the left side seems a little odd, we have here a very typical prophet-takes-on-the-sins-of-mankind trope.
So for one full (390 day) year Ezekiel will lie on his left side and play with his GI Joes. But the sins of Israelites were great and just lying around playing with his toys for a year wasn’t enough of a punishment. So God, in his infinite wisdom, power and knowledge, came up with a punishment so cruel that it would suffice to make Ezekiel suffer enough to take on the burden of the sins of an entire nation — the worst bread imaginable.
God adds to this punishment and tells Ezekiel “after you have finished this, lie down again, this time on your right side, and bear the sin of the people of Judah. I have assigned you 40 days, a day for each year 4:6. I will tie you up with ropes so that you cannot turn from one side to the other until you have finished the days of your siege 4:7.”
Christian Grey? No…Jewish Grey
So after his 390 days on his left side absorbing the sins of the Israelites, he will turn to his right side for 40 days and be tied up to absorb the sins of Judah which, presumably, weren’t quite as bad.
So now God has Ezekiel laying on his right side for over a month while bound so he can’t move. However, he decides that this isn’t enough. The sins of the Israelites and the Judeans are so grave that he needs to really hammer this punishment home. In the past God has sent a flood, plagues and angels with flaming swords who level entire cities, but this one really had to be bad. He punishes Ezekiel by telling him to “take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt; put them in a vessel and make bread for yourself 4:9”
So, as it turns out, Food for Life is marketing a loaf of bread that uses a recipe that comes directly from God’s playbook on how to torture someone so badly that they will be able to absorb and atone for the sins of two entire nations. This alone is enough to warrant an article about how Food for Life is either preying on gullible and pious people or has the worst marketing team in history. However, this isn’t the part that really struck me oddly enough.
You see; the recipe for punishment bread doesn’t end with the ingredients. God is being painfully specific with Ezekiel and so he tells him how much to eat, how much water to drink and in what way this punishment bread should be baked. He says “you are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side 4:9” and that he should “weigh out twenty shekels of food to eat each day and eat it at set times 4:10” as well as “measure out a sixth of a hin of water and drink it at set times 4:11” and to “eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread.” God goes on here to say “bake it in the sight of people, using human excrement for fuel 4:12” and “in this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.”
Even Prophets Sometimes Have A Crisis Of Faith
It is at this point that Ezekiel begs god not to make him defile his body by eating bread cooked over a flaming pile of human feces and God, magnanimously, relents a bit and tells Ezekiel “very well, I will let you bake your bread over cow dung instead of human excrement.”
Don’t Worry Ezekiel, One Day People Will Pay $7 A Loaf For This Stuff
So at this point we have to conclude one of three things. Either it is the case that the people at Food for Life are cherry picking a bread recipe out of context in order to sell bread to the pious, that the people from Food for Life saw this bread recipe in Ezekiel 4:9 and didn’t bother looking at the context or that the people at Food for Life are (very successfully I might add) selling bread that is baked over a steaming pile of flaming cow poop.
I went to the company’s Frequently Asked Questions page to see if they had anything to say about this. I figured that if there is a 33% chance that this bread has been cooked with flaming cow turd that it is a question that the company would frequently be asked.
However, of the questions that Food for Life publishes on their FAQ page none of them, shockingly, have to do with the fact that their bread recipe specifically calls for cow kaka. I have sent several emails to the company and have not, as of yet, received a reply which strikes me as more than passingly suspicious. It leads me to believe that they are, in fact, using cow doodie to fuel the flames that bake their bread, which they market to health nuts and the religious.
It stands to reason that if a company is producing a bread from a recipe that calls for the use of cow excrement and were not using it they would very publically mention this fact and, in the case of an oversight where it wasn’t specifically mentioned on the package, would be very quick to reply “no” to people who specifically inquired as to the inclusion of poop in their baking method.
So not only has Food for Life decided to use a recipe for their bread that comes directly from God’s book of ways to make people suffer, but they also refuse to comment on whether or not they use cow excrement in the baking process as the recipe (that they quote in the very name of the product) calls for. With Food For Life’s lack of forthcoming regarding the use of doodie in their product, I feel that it is a product well avoided.
The Food Your Are Eating May Contain Shit
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